"Ehh-hmm." Tap. Tap. Tap. "Is this thing on? Can anyone hear me? Is this thing on? It's hard to know if this works. Medium doesn't listen to fiction writers so it's very hard to know.
But I do know some very good fiction writers. Maybe the best fiction writers--fantastic people--wonderful people. They all love me. Love my fiction. Anything I write, really. Great people, those fiction writers. But Medium doesn't know fiction.
It's a shame too because anyone with a brain knows fiction is important--maybe the most important writing and American fiction writers are the best. Look who we have--Mark Twain--Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer--if you don't know those guys, and you don't read--I guess that makes you kind of a loser--and we don't like losers in America--we're winners. Ernest Hemingway, he was a winner. American. Herman Wouk. Winner. American. Jew. Great fiction writer. We're full of great fiction writers.
So, it's a funny thing that we have Sir Simon, here, trying his best to make Fiction Great Again--he'd doing a fabulous job. A terrific job and he's a great fiction writer. I've read his books. Very scary, that Sir Simon. Don't believe me? Read his books--you'll get scared.
And clearly, Sir Simon is very smart. Has great taste. Obviously, because he picked me for this list--and you other wonderful writers, but I was near the top of the list, so I guess that makes me pretty good. And I'm a good guy. Most of the time. But I can be tough. And mean. You've never seen a guy be as tough and mean, but you know what? Being tough and mean doesn't get good writing done--so I'm nice and good. Maybe that's why people love me. I don't know. Could be.
What I'm saying is--thank you, to Sir Simon, with his endorsement, I have a clear mandate--to write the best fiction--to make fiction great again--it's what the people want.
After all that blah-blah-yelling and screaming and waving that stupid flag in the streets and supporting the wrong side for the wrong reasons from fake news reports and corrupt media--people are tired. Fake stories belong in fiction--not the real world, so that's what we do-try and give the best fake stories--but great stories.
And with this award, a real award, not the Oscars that follow DEI rules--or the Grammy's giving Country Music awards for songs that aren't even Country--another DEI corrupted organization--The Dillion Empire Lord of Fiction Award is one I humbly accept, and with Sir Simon's support--what? Dillon? Sir Dillon?--Well, that might be what you call him but we're friends, and those he knows and believes in, call him Sir Simon--did you know I had met Hemingway once? True story. He came to Miami, because he lived in Cuba you know and we had to get him back so my dad built Hemingway a private villa, up on a corner of the Florida Coast--and that's how Hemingway returned to America, we brought him back. Fantastic man, Hemingway. Terrible what happened. Great man. Wonderful writer--maybe the best writer ever--American. But Hemingway never received the Dillon Empire Lord of the Fiction Rings of Power Fiction Writing Award. So I thank you, and humbly accept the Dillon Gold Medalists Fiction Medallion Writers of the Marvellous Universe of Eternal Greatness.
What? Canadian? Of course, I'm Canadian and proud to be the next territory aligned with America. No borders. No problem. We're all winners.
