Hello Furera. I've reviewed your story and added you as a writer. For initial feedback, you'll need to work on a couple of things. Work on shorter paragraphs. Large blocks of text turn readers away. It's too much to take in with online reading. You need to break dialogue between people. They both cant' speak in the same paragraph. The initial character, the one in action, should have dialogue in the paragraph. The respondent must have their dialogue in a new paragraph. Otherwise it's much to confusing for the reader to sort out.

Be careful not too introduce too many characters in one paragraph or a short span.

Please view the prompt list and as you submit stories, I can offer some help. Saying that, I am not here as your writing coach, but will do what I can as time allows.

Thank you! I look forward to your stories!