Hi Kaylin, thank you for reading and commenting. Yours is exactly the kind of discourse we need and should readily invite.
I'm going to cut and paste segments so I can be accurate to each point. Please bear with me.
"With all due respect, it sounds like your child is being far more calm and thoughtful about this than perhaps you are."
- My daughter and I are both rather calm, and very thoughtful. There is no argument that she is much more well versed on the topic and is significantly more accurate. She is always correcting and teaching me.
"All we’re talking about here is pronouns. As the bank staff highlighted, totally changeable with zero consequences. Yet you’re jumping to some ‘worst case scenarios’. I think you need to be cognisant of fear and (again, respectfully) ignorance (and misinformation) influencing your view of this situation, and potentially influencing how you respond to your child in future."
-yes and no. In that situation it was about pronouns, but it is a piece of the complete puzzle. My "worst case scenarios" are not catalyzed by pronouns. That is the most minor of the issues.
"Of course we fear for our children and worry about how their decisions will impact them in future. But you need to control that fear, for both her and your own sake."
- There is a difference between concern and fear. Having concern is healthy and responsible. I don't carry fear on the topic.
"I urge you to do more research around these issues, from reputable scientific sources if possible and ideally by speaking to actual transgender people and support organisations for trans youth and adults"
-this is an ongoing pursuit, I read on it consistently in various formats, even books as I have reviewed and shared.
"It seems like you are saying: I will support her - but only to a point. Only so long as it fits with what I think is okay. Only so long as it doesn’t heighten my fears or make me too uncomfortable. Only so long as it doesn’t put me at risk of repercussions.
-I suppose I can see this interpretation but it is incorrect. My daughter knows my support is complete and unconditional and that has been reiterated in each discussion. Both, my love and support are unconditional. As for being uncomfortable--you bet I am, and the only way to lessen that is the proceed through this process. But I don't put my feelings into the equation if at all possible to avoid doing so. Those issues I face with my psychologist, not my child.
" ‘self-governance’, consider how betrayed your child will feel if you allow her to explore her identity"
-this is slightly out of context. The concern of betrayal has nothing to do with her experiences, it has to do with being a responsible parent to a minor. Whether it's alcohol, drugs or questionable acts, a teenager is not working with a fully developed mental and emotional palate. My role isn't to interject, but lay out warning signs of going too far too fast.
" You mention concern about her lack of experience influencing her judgement, but have you also considered your own lack of experience and knowledge on these issues? "
" What might that proof, or an acceptable defence, look like? Does she have to reach a certain level of distress? '"
-the distress is what we want to minimize and is of primary concern. The burden of proof will come with consistency in her mindset and beliefs of what is right for her. That will take time, and allowing her to go through those same growing pains as every teenager is the teacher that needs time to deliver those lessens.
-of course I have considered my lack of experience. That is why she's been seeing a psychologist specialized in her age group and gender identity from the outset.
That's also why I have a separate psychologist in this field to balance my ignorance with solid facts.
As for defense, it means that she has to learn to live the words she speaks. Regardless of what gender or sexuality she chooses, she has to live comfortably within it. That's the only defense required.
"Importantly, age does not necessarily equate to better knowledge or judgment, as you seem to imply. Learning does. Understanding others’ experiences can as well. Your own experience is as a cisgender man - "
-Age, from adolescent to adult, absolutely equates to better knowledge and judgment. Learning is of course necessary, but a child is a child throughout that span.
" transition does not cause these problems (often, transition ameliorates them). Dysphoria can, but just as much, if not more so, a lack of social and familial support does. "
- Hmm. I partly disagree. She hasn't transitioned and she has plenty of anxiety and stress cause from considering both sides of the decision. But I certainly agree that an unsupportive family is a major stressor. Avoid that is why I'm sharing my story, to learn more and be a better father.
"Consider if you are merely seeking out opinions which confirm or justify your own fears. Groups tend to polarise opinions in extreme directions."
" Many of the loudest voices do not care about you or your child, they want to foster and exploit fear for their own gain. Don’t let them."
- I agree, that's why a forum like this is essential. We don't want fear, we want empathy and education, tolerance and acceptance--on all sides.
As for the "loud voices" agreed again. So much of the anti-trans posts on social media are ignorant and disgusting, it's juvenile. But so are the loud voices from the other side, blustering and accusing without listening and accepting fair discussion. There are bullies on both sides, and I won't tolerate either.
I'll be away for a few hours but again, thank you for this contribution, and might I suggest perhaps making a listicle of good reference material that could be shared here as a post? I know I would certainly appreciate it!
Thank you again, I truly appreciate your reply.
